About a year ago, I discovered a form of therapy created by Dr. Sue Johnson, and I’ve been training in her method because I know that what she has put together works – first, because it is very similar to what worked for me; – second, because it is based on research that shows it has worked for thousands of couples.
Dr. Johnson has brought light to something I hadn’t been aware of before too – how couples can get stuck in repeating patterns of unhealthy communication that just seem to make things worse. The only real remedy to improve a relationship is to stop these patterns and instead learn how to listen deeply to the needs of your partner.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, created and researched by Dr. Johnson, puts these demon dialogues into 3 categories:
1. ”Find the Bad Guy” – a conversation where the partners mutually attack and blame each other.
2. “The Protest Polka” – an argument where partners make demands of each other and then withdraw.
3. “Flight and Freeze” – partners give up on a safe connection and numb out or avoid each other.
So how do you get out of these repeating and painful patterns with your partner? You have to let go.
In a type of mindfulness practice called “Deep Listening”, you center yourself with breathing and learn to open your heart and your mind while your partner speaks.
So many times during an argument we are already thinking about what we are going to say while our partner is talking. We get focused on ourselves. Sometimes this is because we are feeling very wounded by something that’s happened. Those wounds make it so hard to listen because we want them to hear US. We want them to understand our pain.
But here’s the thing.
You will NEVER resolve an argument if you don’t listen. It’s like peace talks between nations that have been at war forever. You have to learn to listen to the other person and try to understand their point of view. You have to put yourself in their place even if you are beyond angry and upset about their behavior.
To heal your wounds (and your partner’s) you have to drill down to your partner’s real feelings (and yours), and try to care about them. You have to get better at hearing what your partner is really trying to express, which might be totally different from the words that are coming out of their mouth.
Here’s a short deep-listening exercise for you to try with your partner.
1. Take 3 deep breaths, in through your nose (if you can) and out through your mouth.
2. Try to get really present in your body. Note what you are feeling physically and emotionally, then relax your shoulders, neck, belly, or any other place in your body that you’re feeling tension.
3. Imagine settling into your strength and your center, know that you are strong enough to listen, and try to open your heart and remember that you are sitting with someone you love and care about.
4. As your partner is speaking, stay totally focused on what they are saying. If your mind starts to wander to what you want to say in response to their words, let go of those thoughts and know they will come back when it is your turn to speak, then bring your attention back to what your partner is saying.
5. Try to understand your partner’s point of view and perhaps what it is that they need from you, what would start to help heal the divide between you.
6. When it is your turn to speak, avoid blaming and try to use “I” statements. Talk about your feelings and your needs, rather than rehashing for the umpteenth time what your partner did wrong. Trust me, they know, because they’ve already heard it a million times!!!!
Here’s a deeper explanation from Dr. Sue Johnson, who created EFT therapy for couples based on years of research. In her explanations she helps shift the focus from naming and blaming arguments to expressing the injury that has happened to the couple’s relationship, and how it can be repaired.
Some couples need a little more support from a therapist to work through these dialogues and come back into a closer connection with each other. If you or someone else can use some support, please reach out to me for a 15 minute free consultation to talk about how I can help support you.