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About a year ago, I discovered a form of therapy created by Dr. Sue Johnson, and I’ve been training in her method because I know that what she has put together works – first, because it is very similar to what worked for me; – second, because it is based on research that shows it has worked for thousands of couples.

Dr. Johnson has brought light to something I hadn’t been aware of before too – how couples can get stuck in repeating patterns of unhealthy communication that just seem to make things worse. The only real remedy to improve a relationship is to stop these patterns and instead learn how to listen deeply to the needs of your partner.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples,  created and researched  by Dr. Johnson, puts these demon dialogues into 3 categories:

1. ”Find the Bad Guy” – a conversation where the partners mutually attack and blame each other.
2. “The Protest Polka” – an argument where partners make demands of each other and then withdraw.
3. “Flight and Freeze” – partners give up on a safe connection and numb out or avoid each other.

So how do you get out of these repeating and painful patterns with your partner? You have to let go.

In a type of mindfulness practice called “Deep Listening”, you center yourself with breathing and learn to open your heart and your mind while your partner speaks. 

So many times during an argument we are already thinking about what we are going to say while our partner is talking. We get focused on ourselves. Sometimes this is because we are feeling very wounded by something that’s happened. Those wounds make it so hard to listen because we want them to hear US.  We want them to understand our pain.

But here’s the thing. 

You will NEVER resolve an argument if you don’t listen. It’s like peace talks between nations that have been at war forever. You have to learn to listen to the other person and try to understand their point of view. You have to put yourself in their place even if you are beyond angry and upset about their behavior.

To heal your wounds (and your partner’s) you have to drill down to your partner’s real feelings (and yours),  and try to care about them. You have to get better at hearing what your partner is really trying to express, which might be totally different from the words that are coming out of their mouth.

Here’s a short deep-listening exercise for you to try with your partner.

1. Take 3 deep breaths, in through your nose (if you can) and out through your mouth.

2. Try to get really present in your body. Note what you are feeling physically and emotionally, then relax your shoulders, neck, belly, or any other place in your body that you’re feeling tension.

3. Imagine settling into your strength and your center, know that you are strong enough to listen, and try to open your heart and remember that you are sitting with someone you love and care about.

4. As your partner is speaking, stay totally focused on what they are saying. If your mind starts to wander to what you want to say in response to their words, let go of those thoughts and know they will come back when it is your turn to speak, then bring your attention back to what your partner is saying.

5. Try to understand your partner’s point of view and perhaps what it is that they need from you, what would start to help heal the divide between you.

6. When it is your turn to speak, avoid blaming and try to use “I” statements. Talk about your feelings and your needs, rather than rehashing for the umpteenth time what your partner did wrong. Trust me, they know, because they’ve already heard it a million times!!!!

Here’s a deeper explanation from Dr. Sue Johnson, who created EFT therapy for couples based on years of research. In her explanations she helps shift the focus from naming and blaming arguments to expressing the injury that has happened to the couple’s relationship, and how it can be repaired.

Some couples need a little more support from a therapist to work through these dialogues and come back into a closer connection with each other. If you or someone else can use some support, please reach out to me for a 15 minute free consultation to talk about how I can help support you.

The other morning as my partner and I were lying in bed and waking up, he remarked that he hadn’t ever seen me be really “crazy” in the almost three years we have been together.

What does he mean by crazy, you might ask? 

Well, I think in his reality, “crazy” describes a woman who reacts to things with angry yelling, hysterical crying, punishing behaviors,  or constant nagging. And nope, I don’t do that.

Why? Because I’m no longer willing to engage in unproductive “demon dialogues”.  Instead, I choose to practice deep listening, and ask for what I need in a calmer way.

In my 20’s and 30’s I was married to two different men for a total of 18 years, then went through a number of relationships in my 40’s and 50’s with a number of polyamorous people. As you can imagine, I’ve been through a lot of conflict and hurt feelings. For most of my relationship life, I was quick to anger, and even quicker to let my partner know about it. I would get really angry or hurt over certain behaviors (for example this one: you are in the middle of sharing something deeply emotional and your person suddenly starts talking about something else???). 

During these times I didn’t manage my feelings well, and I was pretty easily triggered into anger, fear of abandonment, or extreme sadness about not feeling wanted, valued, or heard. Once, I went to a boyfriend’s house after he disappeared from an event we were attending together without notice and then didn’t answer his text or phone messages. My abandonment triggers all flared up and I found myself driving over to his house, banging on his front door and yelling “I know you’re in there!” until he let me in. So, yep, I know what it’s like to go a little nuts over something my partner does or says. 

Then, one relationship changed my life forever. 

I wish I could tell you that I was healed by a really great therapy experience, or by a great guru that handed me an insight in a blaze of mystical light. But that’s not what happened. Instead, I fell in love with a man who taught me to re-channel my “demon dialogues” into a practice of deep listening. Together we learned to use the methods of non-violent communication (NVC) created by Marshall B. Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life), combined with practices created by a Psychologist named Harville Hendrix (Getting the Love You Want). We added a couple’s mindfulness practice that we created together to help us relax, let go of our fears and anger, and really listen to each other’s needs.

It was hard, and it took 5 years for me to unlearn my old “crazy” behaviors. But the lessons I learned with him almost 10 years ago have stayed with me and have greatly improved my relationships.

Now I’m being trained in a form of therapy that pulls from many of these influences and is shown by research to help couples create lasting change (stay tuned for more on this in my next blog). I’m passionate about helping couples transform using these tools. If you or someone else would like the help of a therapist, please reach out to me for a 15 minute free consultation to talk about how I can help support you.

Stress is one of the most pervasive challenges that both therapists and clients face today. In particular, caregiver burnout can rear its ugly head when, as providers, we are dealing with the needs of both our clients and our loved ones without taking enough time for ourselves.

For our clients, stress worsens any mental health condition, making it more difficult for them to regulate their emotions and daily lives. In particular, those in their 40’s and 50’s (the “sandwich generation”) may be dealing with both the demands of both aging parents and children, not to mention the stressors of work and relationships. Add to this women dealing with the major life change of menopause and you have all the makings of a major stress cocktail!

But the opposite of this — too little stimulation—can cause stress too. For example, if as clinicians we are only seeing clients and not having much of a personal life, this can lead to a different form of stress.

Researchers are finding now that there is a “sweet spot” for stress. To put it simply, it seems that leading an overly quiet life is just as detrimental to your emotional and physical health as having far too many commitments and demands.

The tricky part is finding where your personal “sweet spot” lies. It’s going to be different for everyone, because we all have different levels of introversion and extraversion, different cognitive styles, different values, and different goals. Just think about, for example, the 16 Meyers-Briggs personality types—each will have a different level of stress that they can tolerate well, and different activities that help them relax and renew their energy.

Recently, as I’ve become more proficient in the Solution Focused Counseling and Motivational Interviewing modalities, I’ve started using some simple concrete tools to help my clients assess how much and what type of activities they want to have in their lives. I’ve found that these also work very well when I apply them to my own life.

1. Make a list of values – what’s most important to them, where their vision sees them going in the future.

2. Use the values to create goals– this is time to brainstorm ideas for money, fun, social time, etc. It’s sort of an expanded “bucket list”. This can include vacations, a new exercise plan, learning, art projects, solo time, or social time.

3. Practice mindfulness. Because my skill set is mindfulness based, I encourage clients to sit with what feels right and what doesn’t. If they don’t have a mindfulness practice, I provide training and recordings to help them get started. After some time spent in mindfulness, I ask them to go back into their list and remove or add things, according to their intuition.

4. Create an ideal life calendar. Using a big blank piece of paper, I ask the client to divide it into the 7 days of the week, and make a schedule of when the things on their list are going to happen. This lets them see if they’re trying to take on too much. I remind them to take into account the things they know about themselves — for instance they may need a couple of nights a week just to do nothing!

5. Create a vacation plan. Just as much as clients need to accomplish things to feel good about themselves, time to rest and refresh is critical. I help to educate clients about the need to rest and regenerate neurotransmitters as well as helping the nervous system take a break to lower the levels of stress hormones in the body.  I help clients to vision, put vacations on the calendar, and then plan and save to make the vision a reality.

6. Put the ideal schedule on the ACTUAL calendar. I help clients put their plan into action by marking off the time with family and friends, date nights, solo time, artist dates, and vacations. If they are open to it, I suggest they color code activities into different categories, so they can get the big picture and see whether their life has a good balance between social and alone time, work and play time, etc.

7. Take stock. I encourage clients to journal about how the schedule is feeling, or talk it over with a friend. I help them look at what’s working and what’s not, then adjust.

This method can be particularly helpful with clients suffering from anxiety and depression, helping them to focus on pleasurable activities and noticing the rewards that come from having more balance and regulation of stress in their lives. They’re useful for us as therapists too, because in our profession it’s really doubly important that we take good care of ourselves—so we can continue to support others!

Kypris is a registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist supervised by Amy Zakrewski-Clark at Caldwell-Clark Counseling. Her current practice focuses on helping couples create healthier, happier relationships.  Please go to the Support Services page to schedule a free consultation. 

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