The other morning as my partner and I were lying in bed and waking up, he remarked that he hadn’t ever seen me be really “crazy” in the almost three years we have been together.
What does he mean by crazy, you might ask?
Well, I think in his reality, “crazy” describes a woman who reacts to things with angry yelling, hysterical crying, punishing behaviors, or constant nagging. And nope, I don’t do that.
Why? Because I’m no longer willing to engage in unproductive “demon dialogues”. Instead, I choose to practice deep listening, and ask for what I need in a calmer way.
In my 20’s and 30’s I was married to two different men for a total of 18 years, then went through a number of relationships in my 40’s and 50’s with a number of polyamorous people. As you can imagine, I’ve been through a lot of conflict and hurt feelings. For most of my relationship life, I was quick to anger, and even quicker to let my partner know about it. I would get really angry or hurt over certain behaviors (for example this one: you are in the middle of sharing something deeply emotional and your person suddenly starts talking about something else???).
During these times I didn’t manage my feelings well, and I was pretty easily triggered into anger, fear of abandonment, or extreme sadness about not feeling wanted, valued, or heard. Once, I went to a boyfriend’s house after he disappeared from an event we were attending together without notice and then didn’t answer his text or phone messages. My abandonment triggers all flared up and I found myself driving over to his house, banging on his front door and yelling “I know you’re in there!” until he let me in. So, yep, I know what it’s like to go a little nuts over something my partner does or says.
Then, one relationship changed my life forever.
I wish I could tell you that I was healed by a really great therapy experience, or by a great guru that handed me an insight in a blaze of mystical light. But that’s not what happened. Instead, I fell in love with a man who taught me to re-channel my “demon dialogues” into a practice of deep listening. Together we learned to use the methods of non-violent communication (NVC) created by Marshall B. Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life), combined with practices created by a Psychologist named Harville Hendrix (Getting the Love You Want). We added a couple’s mindfulness practice that we created together to help us relax, let go of our fears and anger, and really listen to each other’s needs.
It was hard, and it took 5 years for me to unlearn my old “crazy” behaviors. But the lessons I learned with him almost 10 years ago have stayed with me and have greatly improved my relationships.
Now I’m being trained in a form of therapy that pulls from many of these influences and is shown by research to help couples create lasting change (stay tuned for more on this in my next blog). I’m passionate about helping couples transform using these tools. If you or someone else would like the help of a therapist, please reach out to me for a 15 minute free consultation to talk about how I can help support you.