Coping with Sudden Menopause

Are you experiencing instant menopause brought on by cancer treatment or other life challenges? Here are some ways to support yourself in feeling happier, sexier, and stronger.

Cancer treatment can cause menopause as a result of surgery, chemo, or radiation therapy. Anytime you have an illness resulting in hysterectomy or a drug that turns off the estrogen factory, you are in menopause. Many women choose hormone replacement therapy (HRT). But when my own estrogen faucet abruptly turned off after two years of birth control pills, I chose to ride the rollercoaster of “the change” without the aid of hormones. What I’ve learned is that it’s possible to live a full, vibrant, and sexy menopause anyway.

What works for each woman is different, but cancer survivors share a common challenge in that most are told NOT to take estrogen or any other hormones after treatment. Doctors usually prescribe aromatase inhibitors to suppress Estrogen production and prevent a recurrence of the cancer. While this is a wonderful strategy in helping you to stay alive, it can make life a living hell. Stripped of her estrogen overnight, a woman can suffer a wide variety of symptoms, including vaginal pain and dryness, loss of libido, hot flashes, night sweats, nausea and digestive upset, insomnia, and mood swings.

Based on my own experience with HRT-free menopause and the experience of my clients, here are three suggestions to help you cope:

  1. Spend time alone.   Menopause is a transition as deeply transforming as puberty. Normally women have years to transition, which makes it a little easier. Be kind to yourself by taking time alone as your brain and body structure is radically changing. You are becoming something completely new and need time to integrate.
  2. Engage deeply in a new hobby.  Creativity is one of the best outlets for the mood swings, and a great distraction from all the bodily discomforts that sometimes come along. When menopause claimed me I finally started painting and learning the flute, things I had wanted to do for years. Both activities bring me joy and get my mind off my worries.
  3. Support your body with rest, good food and exercise.  Yoga or exercise helps reduce hot flashes, night sweats, and nausea. Certain foods CAUSE hot flashes, while others help REDUCE them. Get familiar with what foods trigger you and avoid them. During the course of the last three years in sudden menopause, I went paleo, started exercising daily, and slept as much as possible. After three years I’m starting to shift back to only 6-8 hours of sleep a night, but for a while I needed more than that.
  4. Every day is different with menopause. Most of the time I feel more even keel than I ever did, more strong. But sometimes a storm takes me, like yesterday when I woke up spitting nails for no reason, and then wound up going back to bed after an intense dizzy spell. By the end of the day I felt like myself again, but I literally NEEDED that whole day in bed to recover my usual loving and serene self. And at the end of it I was able to sleep well for the first night in a week.

    I would love to know how these tips work for you. Please take a moment to share a comment below.

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How to Create a Life that you LOVE

Instead of a New Year’s Resolution this year, plug into your deepest desires and plant the seeds of your intentions for 2015.

Over the holidays I meditated a lot on New Year’s resolutions and goal setting. It became clear that my most successful accomplishments resulted from focusing on what I really want, not on what I think I SHOULD do.

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about — you look at your life calmly and rationally, you analyze, you evaluate, and then like Star Trek’s Mr. Spock, you make a logical choice about what goals to work toward. You are overweight so you need to go on a diet, or you want more money so you decide to look for a job.

But what if instead you took time to feel into your DESIRE? What if instead you chose your goals based on what you LOVE?

I’m learning to honor my desire as sacred, to trust that it comes from the deep spiritual well of humanity.

This is my new year’s gift to you — a practice to help you get in touch with your own deepest desires.

  1. Connect to your belly.  Breathe deeply and feel the desires that live there. Acknowledge and accept these longings.
  2. Let the desires rise up into your stomach. Know that true power comes from choosing your own path.
  3. Breathe the desires up into your heart. Which Which ones do you truly LOVE? Are there some that spring from fear or a desire to “look good”? Let those go.
  4. Breathe your desires into your throat.   Alllow yourself to speak a word that sums up each desire. Feel the power of the spoken word to create your reality.
  5. Breathe your desires into your eyes.   Allow a vision to form for your desires.
  6. Imagine breathing your desires back down and planting them in the earth.   Over the next few weeks tend the seeds of your desires by giving them attention and being open to any little coincidences that happen to help them grow. Take notes in a journal and track your progress.

I would love to know how these tips work for you. Please take a moment to share a comment below.

 Click Here for a Free Consultation with me. 

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When you Disagree About Sex

Sex is one of the most common things that couples don’t see eye-to-eye about. Here’s what to do if this is coming up for you…

  1. Schedule time to talk about it. One thing that gets most couples into trouble is that when they disagree they don’t talk it through. Instead, for many reasons, they drop it and hope the problem will go away or fix itself. 
  2. Put yourself in your partner’s place.  It’s important to understand where your partner is coming from. For example, many women have low libido due to menopause, anti-depressants, or even due to a genetic condition.  Click here to read about the latest research on low libido in women of all ages and how they can be helped. 
  3. Be sure to fully express your needs.  Don’t sugar coat it. Tell your partner exactly what turns you on and be willing to negotiate for how to get that. I know, I know, it’s not sexy, right? But what’s the alternative? Hoping they are going to figure it out doesn’t usually work.
  4. Consider Consulting a Doctor, Sex Therapist, or Sex Educator.   Don’t wait until your relationship is in crisis over this. Get help now. Scroll down to see how to get a free consultation with me where I can help guide you to the right support for your situation.

I would love to know how these tips work for you. Please take a moment to share a comment below.

 Click Here for a Free Consultation with me. 

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Cultivating the Erotic Every Day

Cultivating the Erotic is kind of like cultivating gratitude. It feels good and it’s good FOR you…

Yesterday I heard Nicole Van Ness Sheppard, Psy.D., Speak about her research on women’s erotic lives. In her work she asked women to answer several questions, including:

“What does your full sexual expression look like?”

Most women answered that they could never allow that. 

So Sheppard also asked a number of questions about what holds women back from being as free sexually as they want to be. And here’s the fascinating part: most women put limits on their erotic life because they are afraid of being judged or shamed, most especially by their partner. 

It’s been my own experience that cultivating the EROTIC (anything of, relating to, or tending to arouse sexual desire or excitement) is something you can make a decision to pursue. It can be tough, because there are so many mixed messages out there. Women are supposed to be sexy in the bedroom but not in the office–and most especially not in front of their kids.

Men are supposed to be virile when women want them, but respectful and heart-connected at ALL other times. It’s a minefield of contradictions and unspoken rules. A lot of people choose to shut down their sexuality altogether rather than deal with any of it.

Many years ago I decided to take the risk. I was tired of feeling tired and uninspired in my life, and bored in the bedroom. Cultivating my own erotic nature has led to better health, mentally and physically, but I had to LEARN to cultivate it — even when my son was a baby, even when I worked a corporate job, and most especially through the transforming fires of cancer treatment and menopause.

Erotic cultivation has become a habit for me, like daily meditation. It was hard at first, but sticking with it yielded amazing results.

Today I want to share four ways that YOU can start cultivating your erotic nature every day (and they are EASIER than you think!):

  1. 5 minute lotion massage. Give yourself a five minute sensual massage after your shower. Take time to focus on rubbing the lotion into your feet, hands, and skin. Notice how good it feels to be massaged and the luxurious smell of the lotion. Breathe deeply and relax.
  2. Take time to make eye contact. Most of us don’t make eye contact when we are in a hurry. Take the time today to look into the eyes of your loved ones when you say hello or goodbye. Research shows that eye contact synchronizes brainwaves between two people.
  3. Give your full attention to your food. Each day, take the time to focus on what you are eating. Turn off the tv and allow yourself to savor the smell, taste, and sight of your food. (Note, conscious eating is also good for maintaining healthy weight).
  4. Meditate. i know. You’ve tried and it’s hard. Click here for the World’s Easiest Meditation that ANYONE can do. Meditation enhances your ability to be fully present in the moment — a key element of erotic space.

I would love to know how this works for you, so please take a moment to share a comment below.

Click here to connect with Nicole Van Ness Sheppard, Psy.D.

If you want help with recovering your sexual health, contact me for a FREE CONSULTATION to see which of my programs might be right for you. You can find the application HERE.

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World’s Easiest Meditation

Lately I’ve been reading a lovely little book called The Field by Lynne McTaggart. One of the things that I love about this book is that it systematically presents the scientific evidence for how things like meditation and spontaneous healing work.

I was particularly struck by learning that meditation is not just a way to relieve stress. It’s great for that yes, but it has several other benefits too. Here are the ones I find the most interesting:

  1. Meditation makes you more open to flashes of inspiration in your life, work, art, or whatever it is that you do in the world.
  2. Meditation improves your physical health, especially if you visualize your body healing itself.
  3. Meditation gives us the ability to influence the health and well-being of everyone around us- in a positive way.

It seems that it truly is an observer-created universe, and meditation is part of what helps us tap into that in a more conscious way to create the life and health that we want. Scientists used to think that this was only true at the subatomic tiny level, but they’re now finding out it’s also true on a larger scale.

Meticulously designed scientific experiments have shown that humans can do things we’ve only before thought of as “supernatural”.

But what does all this mean to you? Well, by far the most interesting thing I read on Sunday was that short small bursts of meditation are as effective as one long meditation. In other words, meditation time is cumulative. So meditating 10 times a day for one minute is as effective as meditating once a day for 10 minutes. This is great news for those of us that have a hard time making time for meditation or who are just learning and having a hard time sitting still.

So here’s your three tips for this month — to help you learn a new way of meditating:

  1. Set an alarm on your phone or computer to remind you to stop and meditate for one minute, six times a day. (I have mine set to go off once every three hours throughout the day.)
  2. When your alarm goes off, stop what you are doing and take six deep breaths. You can do this while walking, doing the dishes, or even sitting at a stoplight if you want to. You can close your eyes if you like. Let yourself relax.
  3. If you want, add an image of your body healthy and cancer-free, or of you living your life’s dream.

That’s it!

I would love to know how this works for you, so please take a moment to share a comment below.

If you want help with recovering your sexual health, contact me for a FREE CONSULTATION to see which of my programs might be right for you. You can find the application HERE.

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You’re Not Broken — Sex, Flutes, and Music

For the last few years I’ve been learning to play the flute, and after taking a few lessons in the last 6 months I’ve been steadily improving. Playing simple tunes and hearing that clear beautiful sound I’ve always loved was so exciting! Looking at the gleaming silver of my instrument and feeling the keys click under my fingers dropped me into moments of ecstasy. It was a lot like really good sex — my mind was free of worry and my body free of any pain.

Suddenly these last few weeks all that changed. No matter how hard I tried, one particular note refused to play. I checked my fingering, tried shifting my breath, but nothing worked. FRUSTRATION and sadness took hold of me, and something that had given me great joy became really upsetting. I had NO IDEA why this was happening, and was sure there was something wrong with me.

Finally yesterday a flute-playing friend helped me out and I learned that the problem was with my instrument–a broken key. I found that if I paid careful attention to that key and pressed a little harder to compensate for the broken pad, the note played clear and beautiful again!

Sex after cancer can be a lot like this experience with my flute. Things shift in your body because of the battle you’ve been waging to survive, and sometimes it can feel like you are broken and will never be able to feel the clear, high notes of good sex in your body again.

But as with my flute, a little shift in how you are doing things can help you hit those ecstatic notes again and experience the beauty of satisfying sex. Partly this is because the MIND is the most powerful sexual organ in your body. Training the mind to think and respond differently in the bedroom is the number one solution to improving your sex life after cancer. Here are my three most important tips to get you started:

1. BREATHE using deep and full breaths. Just like flute playing, good sex requires a lot of air! This helps your body stay in the present moment instead of being afraid that you can’t perform or getting distracted with thoughts about your life.

2. FOCUS on your sexuality. One reason it took me so long to figure out what was wrong with my flute was because I was practicing in the middle of lots of other activities going on and people around me. Going to my room, turning off the phone, and letting go of my other problems helped me to tune in to what did and didn’t work–and to find my own solution.

3. ADJUST your expectations. I realize that a broken flute won’t play the same as a brand new one. I’m ok with that. It may or may not be fixable, but the flute can still make beautiful music. For you as a cancer survivor, it’s important to learn alternative methods of lovemaking so that your whole sex life doesn’t depend on intercourse. While many survivors are able to resume intercourse eventually, it’s important to be willing to explore other options as you are recovering your sexual health.

If you want help with recovering your sexual health, contact me for a FREE CONSULTATION to see which of my programs might be right for you. You can find the application HERE.

 

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Is your life crazy busy? How to stay sexy and feeling good anyway!

Your Tips for Sexy and Pleasurable Living

For June 23, 2014

There’s something about this time of year. With the longest day of the year comes a lot of joyful activity and demands on your time. In my own life, this time of year has goten even busier since I’m also moving and having a spiritual epiphany that’s asking me to let go of most of my material things. At 51, having downsized twice already, this is a tall  order. I’ve spent the last few weeks sorting, packing, unpacking, selling stuff on craigslist and carting stuff off too the Goodwill.

But you know what I noticed today? I feel GREAT.

In the past, these few weeks would have completely unglued me. But I realize that over the years I’ve learned a few secrets that help a LOT to get me in touch with the sexy, juicy part of me. I feel great because my blood is pumping and my immune system is staying happy and healthy.

You see, it’s important to remember that STRESS is partly in the MIND. If we feel stressed about everything that’s going on around us, then our bodies will respond to that with fatigue, illness, anxiety, and depression. But if we feel EXCITED about life, our bodies make endorphins, hormones that allow us to stay HAPPY, HEALTHY, and yes, SEXY.

For years I’ve been practicing conscious pleasure, and this has given me vibrant physical health, a strong body at its ideal weight, and a generally happy and positive outlook. I look younger than my age (51) and aside from my short dalliance with skin cancer, haven’t needed a doctor for anything in years. I take no medications.

So how do you stay in a place of EXCITEMENT instead of OVERWHELM when life gets busy? Here are your three things that work GREAT for me.

  1. Walk your body through your schedule. Most women do too much. Take time each week to look at your schedule and close your eyes and FEEL how your body will respond to what’s on your calendar. Delete activities that aren’t high priority and stick to what’s most important to you. Be willing to say the magic word: NO.
  2. Take an hour or two each day to pamper yourself. No, this isn’t excessive. The busier are, the more you need this time. It’s like putting oil in your car and inflating the tires properly–very necessary to proper performance.  My daily routine includes an hour each morning for meditation and journaling, and an hour each night to read a book of my choice. Rinse and repeat.
  3. Be sexy. The more you stay in touch with your inner fire, the better your mood will be, and the better your health will stay. I make a point of wearing clothing that makes me feel like a goddess, even if I am packing and moving. At least mascara, lip gloss, and earrings are on my body each day. With that bare minimum I feel less like an old hag, and more like a queenly WOMAN. And if you can have actual sex, even better–it relaxes you and produces all kinds of wonderful hormones that nurture your body.

This week try out these tips for balancing the busy-ness in your life and see how you feel. Remember that balance creates a happier and healthier life.

If you want help with staying sexy and feeling good, contact me for a FREE CONSULTATION. You can find the application HERE.

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Why Pleasure is NOT Optional — the Science

Your Tips for Sexy and Pleasurable Living

For May 27, 2014

Lately I’ve been reading about the science of pleasure. In my quest to help you, a cancer survivor, live a more sexy and vibrant life, I’m thinking you might like to know the scientific reasons WHY sex and pleasure are good for your health.

One clue I came across a while ago. I learned that research showed orgasm causes the body to release testosterone, the hormone that regulates sexual desire. A second clue came a month ago when I spoke to breast cancer survivors, and found that the women in the room who were having difficulties in the bedroom were also not feeling well in general.

I started to wonder, which comes first, the chicken or the egg? That is, does lack of pleasure lead to poor health and unhappiness? Or does being down in the dumps and physically ill lead to a disinterest in sex?

Well according to Dr. Christiane Northrup, it’s both. Pleasure and sex are in a feedback loop with your physical and mental health. In her book, “The Secret Pleasures of Menopause”, Dr. Northrup says that anytime we experience pleasure – whether sexual or otherwise, our bodies produce Nitric Oxide, which leads to a flood of positive chemicals being released. These chemicals help us fight infection, cancer, and depression. They even tell our cells whether to “live or die, to thrive or decay”.

For years I’ve been practicing conscious pleasure as a path to spirituality, and as it turns out, this path has given me vibrant physical health, a strong body at its ideal weight, and a generally happy and positive outlook. I look younger than my age (51) and aside from my short dalliance with skin cancer, haven’t needed a doctor for anything in years. I take no medications.

Life wasn’t always this rosy. I am a recovering workaholic. I used to be proud of how hard I worked and how well I got the job done, but over time this way of living my life was killing me. I had anxiety and depression, back pain, IBS, and hypoglycemia. In short, I was a mess.

Over the years, I learned that moving towards pleasure and keeping work in balance led to my best, healthiest, and happiest life.

So how did I get there? And more importantly, how do YOU get there? Well, here are your three tips to sexy and PLEASURABLE living for this week:

  1. Start saying no to people and commitments that you don’t feel good about. Most women do too much. Many of us have trouble with pleasure because we have a plate that’s just too darned full. A few years ago, I was working with a business coach, and worried that my business wasn’t getting off the ground because I was too lazy. Her advice? She said “When I look at your schedule, you barely even have time to go to the bathroom. You need to do less, to allow time for inspiration come in”.
  2. Spend time each day doing something you LOVE. This is different for each woman. Activities like knitting, gardening, yoga, or playing music have all been shown to release nitric oxide — the pleasure chemical. And oh yes, sex is on this list too!
  3. Make friends with your couch. Time relaxing is the fountain of youth, and key to experiencing pleasure. One BIG reason women have trouble reaching orgasm or enjoying sex is because they are tense.

This week try out these tips for increasing the pleasure in your life and see how you feel. Remember that pleasure is good for you –it’s science! More pleasure equals a healthier and more vibrant you!

If you want help with relaxing into your pleasure, contact me for a FREE CONSULTATION. You can find the application HERE.

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4 Secrets to a Shiny Happy Marriage

Your Tips for Sexy and Vibrant Living

For May 13-28

Marriage is a time-honored institution that we associate with soul mates, true love, and sharing yourself body and soul with another being. But the reality of statistics out there isn’t good.  50% of marriages end in divorce. When you’re dealing with cancer, it can be just one more challenge that you work through together, or it can end a marriage.

Luckily, there is a road map you can follow to increase your chances of success.

I’ve been married twice and in a long term relationship that lasted for four years. The challenges in these relationships led me to research what makes a marriage stick — and what makes it fall apart. There are definable things that work for the couples who stay together and have a happy and SHINY connection. You know these couples, they are the ones that look so cute and happy together. They are the ones that love doing things together even after 30 years.

You can be just like them.

I’ve interviewed many of these couples and read the latest psychological research on this topic. My scientific conclusion? Marriage works when both partners want it to.

Here are the four most important things YOU can do to create a happy shiny marriage:

  • Be kind to each other. Kindness develops trust and safety. The number one reason that marriages end is because one partner or the other doesn’t feel safe as a result of the other partner’s actions.
  •  When your partner suffers, help them. A lot of marriages die from “compassion fatigue”. Sometimes this happens because one or the other partner is chronically having physical or emotional challenges. Other times it happens when we don’t practice self care. The best way to support your partner is to make sure that you first care for yourself. Then you are naturally willing AND able to offer comfort and healing to your mate.
  • Practice Joy. In my marriages, the biggest obstacle to success was that I always looked at my partners with a critical eye. I was so focused on everything I didn’t like  that I couldn’t see the spark I fell in love with in the first place. One husband called this my “mud-colored glasses”. Learn to put on the ROSE-colored glasses instead and enjoy your partner’s GOOD qualities and LET GO of the bad.
  • Be Free. Restricting your own freedom or your partner’s leads to a sense of deprivation and being trapped. It’s hard to feel sexy or vibrant with your partner when all you two can think about is getting some space from each other. The Buddhist’s call this quality in true love “upeksha”, and say that without this, marriage is slavery. Harsh words, but true.

Practicing these 4 simple things in your relationship will help you feel more loved, juice up your sex life, and improve your general health. Studies show that happily married people live longer and feel better. Now why wouldn’t you want that?

Want a shinier happier marriage in 6 weeks?
OK!

Hey, if you are suffering with a marriage that is stuck in the doldrums or worse yet if you are in endless rounds of arguing and emotional distance, it doesn’t have to be that way.

You deserve to feel more pleasure, more aliveness, and to love yourself more than ever before. I’ve created an intensive sex and intimacy learning experience that is powerful, fun, and spiritual. In six weeks we can transform your relationship with your body, your marriage, and your sex life, and do it with a price tag your pocketbook can afford.

Look, I’ve worked with hundreds of clients over the last 10 years and I’ve helped so many people totally transform their relationships. I want to help more people, so I’m branching out into group phone coaching.

That’s why I created the Return to Your Sacred Garden  program  for women who are ready to feel more sexy, beautiful, and loved.

This program will re-energize your connection to your marriage, your body, your sexuality, and boost your self confidence… all in 6 WEEKS!  You’ll end up with a set of practices that will help you maintain the powerful results we’ll achieve together, and come away with more enjoyment of your life.

It includes recorded daily practices, homework, a workbook, and unlimited email, in addition to a WEEKLY CALL with you and 3 other women. That’s right, this class is limited to FOUR women.  I can save you months of struggle by sharing the secrets I’ve learned over the years. I’ll help you find a way to your own connection in marriage that will never leave you.

My private clients pay $150 an hour to work with me, and this program allows you to get targeted feedback each week over our call and emails for only $67 per week. Isn’t it time for you to claim your right to shine?

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How to Talk to your Partner About Sex

Your Tips for Sexy and Vibrant Living

For April 30-May 14

Recently I spoke to a roomful of breast cancer survivors. One of the biggest questions on their minds was this: “How do I tell my partner what I want and what does and doesn’t feel good during sex?”

My suggestion in this situation is always the same — request a time when the two of you can sit down and have a heart-to-heart.  Good sex doesn’t happen overnight after you’ve been through cancer treatment. It’s going to take courage to speak up.

Here are the three most important things to do when you have “the talk” with your partner:

  • Eliminate distractions. Turn off cell phones, put the dog out, etc. Make sure you won’t be distracted. Too many couples lose connection because they can’t focus long enough to have an open and honest conversation.
  •  Be Loving. Whatever you do, NEVER criticize your partner’s performance in bed. This is a quick road to unhappiness. Maybe you’re angry about not getting your needs met. Maybe you’re scared because you’re having pain during sex and afraid to tell your partner. Or maybe you’re sad because your partner doesn’t seem to have much interest in sex. It’s important to use “I” statements, like “I wish we could make love twice a week.” Or “I want more help reaching orgasm.” Remember that sex is teamwork, and asking your teammate for support is going to work way better than telling them what they have to do.
  • Be Clear About Your Needs Don’t leave your partner guessing about what would please you. If you want your partner to use more lube because sex is painful, or you want try oral sex instead of intercourse, then spell it out for them. Don’t beat around the bush and hope they will figure out what you want through some magical telepathy. You can be clear about your needs and still be gentle about it. /li>

Even though it may be scary to be so frank about such delicate matters, it’s important that you do this. In most cases just TALKING about it is the first step to a better stronger connection and a sexier and more vibrant YOU!

Want Better Sex in 6 weeks?
OK!

Hey, if you are suffering with sex that is less than phenomenal it doesn’t have to be that way.

And if you are single, so what? Single women deserve to feel sexy and vibrant just as much as women who are coupled.

You deserve to feel more pleasure, more alive, and to love yourself more than ever before. I’ve created an intensive sex and intimacy learning experience that is powerful, fun, and spiritual. In six weeks we can transform your relationship with your body and your sexuality and do it with a price tag your pocketbook can afford.

Look, I’ve worked with hundreds of clients over the last 10 years and I’ve helped so many people totally transform their sex lives. I want to help more people, so I’m branching out into group phone coaching.

That’s why I created the Return to Your Sacred Garden  program  for women who are ready to feel more sexy, beautiful, and juicy.

This program will re-energize your connection to your body, your sexuality, and boost your self confidence… all in 6 WEEKS!  You’ll end up with a set of practices that will help you maintain the power results we’ll achieve together, and come away with more enjoyment of your life.

It includes recorded daily practices, homework, a workbook, and unlimited email, in addition to a WEEKLY CALL with you and 3 other women. That’s right, this class is limited to FOUR women.  I can save you months of struggle by sharing the secrets I’ve learned over the years. I’ll help you find a way to your own sexiness that will never leave you.

My private clients pay $150 an hour to work with me, and this program allows you to get targeted feedback each week over our call and emails for only $67 per week. Isn’t it time for you to claim your right to pleasure?

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